Jessica Alba Outs Me, Ross

Last week at the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Alba won the "Female Hottie" award. In her little acceptance speech, she attempted to lash-out at me. Yes, that's right. I am the Ross she lashed out at.

To all of you who didn't see her little tirade, here it is:
"Ross didn't love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now!"

Well, I'm lookin'.
Now look, I know you are very attractive - everyone knows that. But back in the day, like you said, you were buck-toothed and cross-eyed. And it was YOU who had a crush on me. You said, "Hey Ross, I promise to kiss you if you pick me for your team." And as I recall, I DID pick you. There was never a stipulation that said I had to pick you first. So, I actually lived up to my side of the agreement, despite all the angst you've been carrying around for these many years. Also, you sucked at baseball. You struck out every single time you went up to bat. Wait, you did hit it once - backwards! And then, you were doing cartwheels in the outfield the whole game and stepping on bees and sucking your thumb. I was yelling at you that one time to catch the ball, but you weren't paying attention. It knocked you right in the head. We lost the game because of you! But I guess you were fortunate. I think that hit to the head uncrossed your eyes, right?

And your mad at me?! You sold away your first kiss to be on a baseball team. Yikes!

Now you're all grown up, and living the successful life in Hollywood. Congratulations. I've enjoyed watching you in some of your mildly successful films. Like the Fantastic Four films which were kinda good. "Honey" which was quite bad. Sin City which was pretty good. And the old Dark Angel series which was pretty okay. Oh, and you did pretty good in Entourage too.

I'm sorry you're been mad at me for kissing you and then putting you on my baseball team, thus fulfilling the details of the promise. Maybe if you weren't the worst baseball player in class, I would have picked you sooner.

And Jessica, if you're so hot, how come they casted you as The INVISIBLE Girl? Huh? Answer me that!

Comments

[Lindsey]

Awesome. Standards, sheesh.

[Ronda]

ross and jessica sittin' in a tree...
k-i-s-s-i-n-g...

you sure showed her, dude!