:: blogging: mccord style ::

Adventures in a Sex Shop

That's right.

SEX SHOP.

Warning, this entry is somewhat lewd. So if you're a bit squeamish, best skip this one.

==

I went to the local smut-shop the day before Valentine's to pick up some, shall we say ... ointments.

I do not frequent "Adult Bookshops" (has anyone else noticed whenever you put "adult" in front of something it automatically means "pornography"? what's up with that??) and since I do not frequent such shops, I am often astonished by some of the items one can find. I also laugh at things because I get uncomfortable.

"Frenchy's", the local smut-shop in Santa Cruz, is exactly that - a smut shop. There's also "Camoflauge" in downtown Santa Cruz, which, on the other hand, is light years "classier" by comparison. But back to "Frenchy's". One third of Frenchy's is magazines and movies (I'll call this Section A). One third is toys/lotions (Section B). And one third is, how do you say, ... "A place where men go to jerk off" (Section C).

There was probably about 10-12 people inside. About half of us were ... normal I would say. That is to say, people/couples looking through Section B (toys, lotions). I'd say there were about 3 browsing Section A. And finally, about 4 in Section C (more on this later).

Now. Allow me to mention some of the more ... interesting items I found. I saw a boardgame called "Booze, Boobs and Boners." I also saw ointments called "Anal-yse Me!" - that was kinda gross. In fact, the sheer variety of anal lubricants was a bit too extensive if I can be quite honest. Some dildos that were, frankly, WAY too big for any orifice - I'm talking 12+ inches, and the diameter of a baseball. You know ... that's kinda ... excessive. The only time something of that size should be near that area would be in a hospital, when a human child is emerging from your vagina. But I think the most interesting things I saw were the inflatable sex dolls. There was one that was a "realistic looking Gladiator" - a "muscular" dude complete with painted-on facial hair. Also, inflatable "Fat Chick". That's right. An inflatable sex toy with a few extra feet of vinyl (or whatever they're made of) for the unsuccessful "Chubby Chasers" who settle instead for a plastic fat chick. Finally, and possibly my "favorite" toy I found, the inflatable she-male. Yep. Inflatable She-male.

Moving on.

So, my favorite/oddest part of the experience revolved around Section C - the Male Self-Abuse rooms in the back. These are about the grossest things ever. So, while browsing through the store, honestly I steered clear of Sections A and C, I noticed a few men coming in, giving the cash register woman money - I think one guy added $50 to his account (I had no idea you could have jerk-off accounts. [Kinda like tanning accounts. You know, you go in, pay for 5-10 sessions at a time] I wonder if you buy 9 if you get the 10th free. LOL) Anyway. If you look towards the back of the store, you can see through a tinted glass door to a hallway, with rooms on either side.

Okay. So this is the most amusing part of my adventure.
Looking through the glass, I could see like 3 guys hanging out in this hallway. Basically, these guys were waiting for the rooms to open up. That's right. They were in a Masturbator's Lounge.

I wonder what etiquette is back there. Do you make eye-contact? Do you talk to each other? When a room opens up, do you motion for the guy that got their first to go ahead? How does one interact with other guys who are only moments away from jerking-off? There were a couple young guys I could see - one in his 20s, one in his 30s. And then, one old dude - probably early 70s (I kid you not).

I THINK THIS WOULD BE THE DEFINITION OF AWKWARDNESS.

Also. Have these guys heard about this thing called "The Internet"? You can basically take care of business from home. For FREE. With no awkward Masturbation Waiting Room to worry about.

Anyway. Very odd.
IF I ever go again, I'll be sure to take pictures.

Worst Husband Ever?!

No. I'm not talking about me.
I'm talking about Steven Fowler.

Who? you might ask?

That British husband up in San Francisco in an episode of Wife Swap that aired a couple weeks back. If you'd like to watch the whole thing, you can watch them here.

Too long? Here's a summary video.

Kelly and I just so happened to watch this particular episode. If I can describe this man in one word, ...hmm, I'll put it this way - I've never been so disgusted with another human being in my life!

No! you say. He can't have been THAT BAD! To which I say this. How many other Wife Swap participants have their own "America does not want you Steven Fowler" tee shirts? How many Wife Swap participants have their own "Steven Fowler Sucks" websites?

So here's the deal.

The kind and loveable, albeit not terribly informed, "Long" family from Missouri sends Gayla to go live in San Francisco. The Long family, unfortunately, is a fairly stereotypical redneck family. Proud, overweight Americans who love paint guns, ATVs, and fast food.

The Fowler family lives in San Francisco. They make a LOT of money each year. Renee is a Life Coach, Psychologist, and a couple other things - basically, very well educated. And she uses this education to help people focus their life, specifically to eat healthier and lose weight. Steven works on the boards of a few Environmental groups. The couple is VERY active in the green scene.

So typically, we would have dischord and hilarity would ensue, blah blah blah.
Well, not so much in this episode. Dear Steven knows he is vastly superior in every way to Gayla. And shows Gayla constantly by making fun of her education, her weight, her grammer, her intelligence, her town, Missouri, the Mid West, the Military, and America itself. His abuse is ruthless. He constantly tells his children how ignorant she is. Even goes so far as having his children ignore her because she's incompetent.

I could not stop thinking about this jerk for a couple days. I was truly disgusted.

Well, apparently so was the Internets. The message boards on ABC, and on Yahoo!, and others were flooded with comments about this guy ABC even had to shut down some of the threads on the site because people were so furious with him. But it doesn't stop there. Check out this list of blogs ranting on about this guy. Renee, in SF, has written 2 apology letters to her friends, clients, and the public at large. And finally, Steven has written a public apology letter as well - the site was up earlier today, but now that Yahoo! TV has jumped on the story, the site has gone down.

Her business I'm sure is at a stand still, especially since he bashed overweight people the entire time, and that's what her business is. He is NO LONGER on the 3 environmental boards. People have even gone so far as to publish all their personal information - address, cell phones, office lines, email addresses, etc. (all of which can be seen here I might add). And at one point, "Steven Fowler" was in the top 50 searches on Google! Holy crap!

What are your thoughts on this guy?

Mine? I say this.
The man is obviously VERY SMART, but not too bright.
And as for his superiority complex, I don't think it will be taking him very far any more.
The sad thing is, he pulling down his wife and his kids with him.

This will not end will for this man. I hate to say it, but this guy is FUCKED!

The Lesson? Be nice to people.

Test 1 2.

Check check. 1  2

Testing 1 2 3, Testing.

< tap tap >

This thing on?

Santa Cruz Mountain Fires, or "Summit Fire"

I took a shot of the plumes of smoke from my mom and dad's house just an hour ago.  Check out the smoke!

The fire is raging a path between where we are right now (mom and dad's house), and our house (in the Corralitos/Watsonville/152 area).  You can smell the smoke, and the wind is NUTS right now.  It is a serious fire, and they just reported on the news that it's expected to quadruple in size (and it's gone from 100 acres to 2,000 in just a few hours).  The winds are blowing like the Santa Ana's, about 40mph, which is unheard of here, and at this time of year.

Here's a map of where we are, at mom and dad's right now, in comparison to the fire, so you can get an idea of where I took the photo. The red circle is where they're reporting the fire:

And they JUST reported on the news that they're evacuating all of Corralitos, which is CRAZY as it's super-populated (and close to our house).

Valentines Day Massacre Poem

There are more than 7,893 reasons that my husband rules, and on Valentines Day, he made it more than 7,894, when he gave me, as one of my Valentines gifts, a poem he'd written. For me. He handed me the poem after dinner, and before dessert (he's getting better on timing -- usually if Ross has a gift for me, he can't even wait 'til we're out to dinner, he'll give it to me when I'm in the middle of drying my hair, or just stepping out of the shower. So it's been an ongoing joke (since before we were married) about how whenever he's bought me a present, he gets so eager to give it to me, that he can't stop himself, and I'm always asking him to wait 'til it's a better 'moment,' i.e.  when I'm not brushing my teeth.

So, when he handed over the poem, I was already impressed that he managed to wait until it WAS a perfect moment, and even more shocked, as I started reading, and simultaneously crying my eyes out, and laughing so hard I almost wet myself.  It was such a perfect mix of sweet and tender, and hilariously funny.  It might not be as funny to you, since there are some inside jokes in it, but I thought I'd share it anyway, because well, it rules. And so does he.  This is one of the best gifts I've ever been given (and that's a bold statement considering I've got a 5 carat diamond ring on my jewelry-loving-finger, so you KNOW I love it). =)

Here's the poem Ross wrote me, for Valentines Day...

Kelly, my love, the one I adore
There's no other girl who I could love more

Your eyes, your heart, your wonderful smile
For you I would go the extra one mile

When we first met I was only age twenty
And you thought, and I thought, that we were both so damn funny.

"That girl is pretty!" I thought in my head,
"I'd like to get her into my bed,

"Not only that, she's got a great chest,"
and well, ... you know the rest.

Then in 1998 we picked up our bags
and journeyed to strange and foreign lands.

From the ghosts in Bath to the sunburn in Greece,
we got along great, with the greatest of ease.

The following year, In August Nine-Nine,
I finally made you mine, all mine.

14 months later, after an evening of lust
Bella popped out of your uterus

A beautiful child had entered our life
Me, Isabella, Baby-Mama - NO! Wife!

Our family was growing, we were having such fun.
But we were too small, still short by one.

Along came Sofia, she grew in your belly
A wonderful girl we call little Kelly.

Years later we thought, "Let's add one more"
And so we got Pippin, who shits on the floor.

Been over 8 years since we first tied the knot,
and I am SO HAPPY with what I have got.

A woman so loving and caring it's true,
Your eyes, skin and hair - a lovely brown hue.

I cherish you from your head to your toes
and will readily crush all of your foes.

You make me feel wanted, happy and safe
I'll hold you so tight, let's hope it won't chafe.

You're a wonderful mother to our kids 1 and 2
with gentleness and love when they both have the flu.

A beautiful woman on the outside and in,
my heart goes a flutter when I see you grin.

Our future is bright for hearts such as ours,
I'm so glad we don't hang out at bars
    (well, except for "The 'jammer" that one's a bash
    it's fun to hang out with all the white trash)

This new year is going to be awesome, you'll see -
we'll be stuck to each other, like the honey and bees.

Our time as a family, increased once more
Ross, Kelly, Isabella, Sofia - that's four!

To sum up this poem, I just want to say
that to God I give thanks almost every day

Your beauty and love, they fill up my soul,
like some kind of tasty casserole.

I love you my Kelly, my darling, my wife
You make worth living, this now wonderful life.

(now let's get dessert and ditch this pop-stand
and go right on home to play some Rock Band®)

I was literally crying my eyes out, and laughing so hard, I think the table next to us thought I might be mental, but I loved it so much, it was like a Dr. Seuss poem about our relationship, and it was both hysterical, and so wonderfully sweet. The reason the last 2 stanzas are in gray, was because they weren't intended to be part of the 'official' poem, but Ross thought it was funny, so added it in.  See? Awesome. I'm a lucky girl. =)

Yes, again, my stupid hair (or...more navel gazing!)

I know, I'm as shocked as you are that I'm posting here again!! But my workload has gotten a lot lighter, so like a fair-weather friend, I'm back! And I thought I'd start it out in typical 13-year-old blogger fashion, with some navel gazing!!

As most of my friends know, I've been in combat with my hair for more than a year, and when I say combat, I mean that we've had an ongoing war; of me wanting it to just grow already, and while my hair seems to comply (albeit slowly), I also have had this ongoing battle in my mind. Here's a sample of how it goes:

Me, wanting long hair again:  Man, I wish my hair would just grow already, it's been in this stupid in-between stage for months.

Other-me: I'm sick of having my hair in this dumb in-between stage, I want to hack it all off.

Me, wanting long hair again: What is wrong with you?? You've been growing this dumb hair out for almost a year and a half, and you just want to  hack it all off??

Other-me: Yeah, I understand, me-who-wants-long-hair, I really get where you're coming from. Yet, every time I look at pictures of me, when I had short hair, I LONG for it to be that short (and easy) again. Plus, I think my face looks better with short hair.

Me, wanting long hair again:  What's wrong with you, other-me?  Are you deluded enough to think that the haircut you get will really affect how your face looks?

Other-me: Um. Yes. 

Me, wanting long hair again: You're dumb.

...and so on and so forth. And so it continued, until I (I'm embarrassed to admit this) almost started crying when talking about growing my hair out to my ever-loving, EVER-patient husband, Ross.  And I kept asking him, "Do you like it longer or shorter more?" And he kept assuring me that he liked it both ways, and that I was beautiful no matter what. And so of course, with that positive feedback, continued to badger him. "But you must have SOME preference, you must like one a little more than the other, right??"  "Kelly, you're beautiful no matter what your hair looks like, short or long! It's totally cute short, and it's very rowr (picture a lion roaring) long."  Me, starting to cry, "But you just said you liked them both! So you like it long more??" "Kelly, I didn't say that, I said I liked it long and short, either way is great."  "Nu-uh! You did the 'rowr' when you did the long, and who wants to be just 'cute!' I don't want you to think of me as 'just cute'" (It's around here that I started crying, yes, I can be this lame.  Then we had the conversation about how hair is only hair, and that I'm beautiful, and he's going to think of me that way whether it's long or short, and whatever I do is great with him. 

So, with these assurances, I boldly walked into the salon and said, "Cut it all off!" 

In my head. In reality, it went something like this:

Calling my mom, and before she could get her entire, "Hi hon---" out, I launched in: "Mom, do you like my hair longer better, or shorter better, because I can't decide, and Ross doesn't care, and says he likes it either way, and I can't decide, and I'm freaking out because I've wanted to cut it for so long, but I've also been growing it for so long, that it feels like if I cut it now, it was all a waste, but on the other hand, I'm so sick of it being this in-between, and every time I look at pictures of myself with short hair, I miss it so much, so, what do you think, Mom???"  So my mom and I talked for awhile, and she basically came to the same conclusion Ross did, it's cute either way, and do whatever you want, honey.

So of course, then I was equipped to walk into the salon confidently knowing what I must do.

Nope!

Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop (that's my sound effects of me calling my sister), "Lindsey!!! I can't believe you picked up the phone!! How are you?? Anyway..." and launched right into the hair conversation. My sissy, bless her, ignored the fact that I didn't even give her time to say hello before I launched into the Hair Situation of '08, where she promptly gave me the same advice my husband and my mom had. 'Do what you want, it looks good both ways.'

So then, I confidently walked into the salon, FINALLY knowing what I was going to do!

Not quite.

Before my bootie even hit the chair, I was pulling out a bunch of different pictures;  of me with various different incarnations of my short hair, along with some I'd ripped out of his hair magazines moments before and letting him know what everyone had said, and then, when I finally took a breath, he said, "Let's cut it. You've been talking about it for the last few months, every time you come in here, so I'm going to cut it."

And he did, and thus ended the hair saga of 08, and yes, I can really be that lame, but no, I'm not ALWAYS that lame. But you know, this IS hair we're talking about here!! If you'd like to see the before's and after's, well, they're right here (taken with my iphone, so they're not great quality):

Samir graciously took this one for me, moments before he started hacking away.

And this is what it looks like now (sorry for the kind of odd angles, I was just holding the iPhone as far as my arm would go, and clicking while I was in the car, on the way home from the salon, trying to drive and take pictures at the same time (super smart of me, I know!). 

 

Sofia Grace Broke Her Arm

This has been a bit of a rough week for the McCord family...on Sunday we went to the memorial of my Papa, (which doesn't mean my dad, it's my dad's dad), and then yesterday, Sofia Grace broke her arm, swinging from the monkey bars. She fell, and fractured her arm (wrist) in two places.  People always talk about how like me she is, and I guess she's just feeling the need to live up to that. =)  She'll be getting her (pink, undoubtedly covered in glitter, sparkles and stickers, like Fancy Fia likes it) in the next couple of days, right now she's toting around this rather unsightly temporary cast....

(this was taken with my iPhone, sorry for the poor picture quality)...And, as there's a smile on her face, this was taken post-tylenol with codeine, so she wasn't in pain any longer...

I'm NOT DEAD

All my friends have been giving me hassle about not blogging any more. And to them I say, I am so blogging! I'm just not blogging here right now, because, basically I have no time. If you miss me, go read about what I'm up to on my photography blog. You can get to that place where I'm also not dead, and seemingly more alive than here at the moment, by clicking here.

Also posted there, our family Christmas card, with cute pictures of my kids on it (you know that's why you all come here anyway!).

Rhyme-nocerous and the Hip-Hop-Potamous

People!! Are you bored with summertime television? (I am). I  have a hilarious cure for what ails you.  Flight of the Conchords (on HBO) is one of the funniest things I've seen on television in a long time. It's up there with the Office, and Arrested Development. I kid you not, it is so freaking funny, Ross and I literally don't stop laughing the entire time (and rewinding, and re-watching).  Really, truly, I don't usually post stuff like this, but you've got to watch it. You will thank me for it.

Here are some samples, if you don't believe me (and I think you can download one of the episodes for free on iTunes)...

Here's "Part Time Model," which they sing to try and woo a girl, at a party, which is HIlarious, "you're so beautiful, you could be a waitress, you're so beautiful you could be a part-time model, but you'd probably still have to keep your day-job"... Click here to see the clip...

and The HBO site, where you can (for a limited time) watch the entire fourth episode, here. The first episode I saw was "Mugged," and in my mind, is the most funny of them all, here's their "rap," which is not to be missed.

Love, the Tooth Fairy

You know you're irrevocably and forever a mom, when you're penning notes from the tooth fairy, to your child who is heartbroken at having lost her latest tooth right before bed, that she finally popped out, after she'd been worrying at it for days, and trying to decide a good explanation as to why the last time the tooth fairy visited, the tooth fairy gave her considerably less than the last two times prior, so that this fourth time around the tooth fairy (of Route #47, South County), is giving her more money than she was left less the last go-around.  And of course, the capper would be me sitting here trying a gazillion different fonts to figure out which would best represent a note from the tooth-fairy (especially since this is 'offical' correspondence, from tooth fairy headquarters, since the last two notes were handwritten from the tooth fairy), and further, that I'm scurrying around at 10:20pm, to find a good spray glitter to put on the note, so, you know, it matches the last few.

Bella will find the note below, when she wakes up tomorrow. Imagine it sprayed with silver glitter, and a fairy-ish 8-point font, cut down to 2-3 inches, and tied with a ribbon, under her pillow along with 10 bucks (because that's all Ross and I had):

Dear Isabella,
Congratulations on losing
Your newest (and 2nd big) tooth!
I’m giving you some extra money
this time.  The last tooth you lost
(your 1st big one), I was already
out on  my route when I was
told that you’d lost it, so I hadn’t
prepared to be bringing you money
that evening (by our calculations you
weren’t supposed to lose that
tooth for a few more days).  So I was
out on my route when my superior faeries
let me know you had lost your first upper/front tooth. 
However, I only had a small amount left, which is what I
gave you, and figured when you lost your
next tooth, I would make it up to you,
which is why I’m giving you such a large
amount this time!
Congratulations on another great tooth-lost,
And I look forward to your next one!

Love,
The Tooth Fairy
Route #47, South County

P.S. I got your mom’s note, and it’s fine that
you can’t find your tooth. It will get to me
sooner or later., so please tell her not to worry, and
thank for her sweet note!

The faries have organized, and have a central office. Who knew?  I wonder if they've unionized?